13 Facts About EBOUÉ

Here are various statements on our Ivorian dynamo. In my universe these are all 100% true. Any more definite facts are welcome:

EBOUÉ can hold his breath for 27 minutes.

EBOUÉ is a trained dentist and whitens Nasri’s teeth twice a week.

EBOUÉ is earmarked to win World Player of the Year in 2011, 2013, and 2014. In 2012 he will be focusing on regaining his record from Usain Bolt.

EBOUÉ demolished Highbury with a piece of flint and built the Emirates with the help of the London Philharmonic Orchestra.

EBOUÉ’s name has caused several thousand cases of synaesthesia.

EBOUÉ could have healed Rosicky with a glance but he swore an oath not to interfere with the inhabitants of this planet.

EBOUÉ is so fast he can appear to be in two places at the sametime.

EBOUÉ was bitten by a radioactive spider which gave him superpowers, but he got over it.

EBOUÉ sometimes appears to blaze the ball over the bar. He is in fact destroying dangerous asteroids which threaten the Earth.

EBOUÉ has no likenesses (in this galaxy) but it is thought that Denzel Washington is in the running to star in his biopic (Bu-opic).

eBoué invented eBay.

EBOUÉ once let RVP kick him.

EBOUÉ created the Grand Canyon with a sliding tackle.

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